Twilight: Breaking Dawn? More like break your eyeballs into fragments!

Ugh. Why.

So I know that this blog was initially going to be about epic movie madness, and all the latest and greatest movies, and so on and so forth…. however, sometimes, and I mean once in a small moon, does a movie come along that is so awesomely, amazingly, and exuberantly shizzy, that it deserves to be there among the Greats. To dazzle next to the Wonders. To glisten at the side of the Beauts. You get it. I have to vent about a little movie that people cream their pants over, and it goes a little something like this:

Twilight: Breaking Dawn.

So for starters, I will just have to say that it is very deceiving, because if you watched this, you would probably think it would be a good movie too…

Right?! I thought the same thing. In fact, I haven’t read any of the books or seen any of the previous movies, but I heard all the hype about this latest movie, and watched as girl after girl would tell me how bad they wanted to see it. In fact, on the day when the movie was released and would be showing at midnight that night, I drove by the theater and actually took this picture with my iphone:

Yes, you are currently viewing a few INSANE people that are camping outside the theater so that they could be the first to sit down at midnight. Keep in mind that this picture was taken at about 4pm. Yep you heard correctly. And midnight was when they would actually be getting up. Crazies. However, seeing them there actually put some false hope in my head that if people would actually go to the measure of camping out for this movie, it has got to be pretty dang good (keep in mind thought that still NO ONE has seen it).

For my work party, they actually had rented out a huge theater at Jordan Commons where the movie would be playing at 8pm. 4 hours before the public would be seeing it. Lot of peeps at work (keep in mind these are all young jocky men) were invited and came with their wives and dates. We all were pretty excited since the hype for this movie was blown out of proportion, especially all the girl that had read the books. We got some treats, some poppy corn corn and sat down. Ready. Action.

I could say that the best part of the movie was the previews, and when the credits FINALLY came up. But I won’t.

You probably have gotten the hint by now. I have never, and I repeat never have ever had to sit through a movie that has tortured me so bad. It easily has got to be the worst movie I have seen in theaters (since I wont pay for a movie that I already don’t know will be amazing). Luckily this was a free event.

For one, I hated all the characters. Edward was supposed to be the “most beautiful man” in the world, according to the book. And also a blood thirty Vampire Babe…

Hmmm really Hollywood? Could have done better with that one. And Bella the beautiful girl that is torn by this beautiful man, because she as well is just Oh so dazzling?….

Alright. At least they got it right with one character… Jacob the werewolf who hates his shirt… but wow are his acting skills a huuuuuuge step below par….

The character choices was the least of the worries however. From the beginning of the movie, we are treated with Edward and Bella’s amazing wedding and their honeymoon retreat. Just don’t be surprised when this retreat lasts for half of the movie, no joke. Make out after make out, and love making after love making. I will admit that I am not one that ever gets weirded out when love scenes come on in theaters, but in this movie I stand with everyone when we say that it was supppper awkward. I actually got uncomfortable and annoyed at how much they kissed. You’ll see what I mean, just watch it. The only cool thing about the epic honeymoon retreat that lasted an hour, is the fact that Edward destroys his bed when he makes love to his Bella…. talk about a manly man!

Other than that, you are treated to some horrible acting and literally NO fight scenes like the trailer shows. It is a super bland story about how a Vampire did the impossible by getting a human pregnant, and how the fetus growing in her becomes so strong that it threatens her life. I felt like I was watching the medical channel and how moms give birth to babies for about 40 minutes of the movie. There were so many laugh out loud moments where they were trying to be cute or serious or something was just so ridiculously acted out that this action/drama turned into a comedy.

I was restless at about an hour into the movie, just waiting and waiting for it to end… and I didn’t stand alone as I glanced at the many males AND females who had their heads slouched back and seemed to be staring at the ceiling. Yeah it made you wanna do that. But rest assured that at about 2 hours past 8pm, we all were treated with words that have never looked so beautiful and welcoming…

Yes those beautiful words… not because we will be seeing part 2.. cause we definitely WILL NOT. But now we could finally leave the theater. Treat this movie with caution, and when your girlfriend suggests that she wants to go so badly, just make sure you are “sick” that night, and make it an XBOX night.

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One word: Immortals

So of course for those of you that enjoyed the art design and fantasy blood-filled beauty that was 300, then you will thoroughly enjoy the next masterpiece by the same creators, Immortals. I saw this movie once and then had to go see it again since in many different ways than one, it screamed a my-kind-of-movie!

I’ll have to admit that I have always been the type of male, and I will say that it’s common among us guy-folk, to love war movies filled with realistic gore and gruesome battles. Filled with spews of flying limbs and beady blood spatting trails. Filled with swift sword lunges and flailing bodies. Yes, all signs my testosterone levels are still intact. Just to give you a little idea of what I mean, watch this mini-clip from the movie. Caution! It is a little gory. But give me a break, look how bad-A the fighting is. Not to mention these are Gods here. Zeus and friends come down and visit the Titans for a little fun….

Alright, if that movie made you cringe in any way, or feel disgusted, then stop reading and go waste your time with Twilight Breaking Dawn (which was so bad I might have to blog about it later). You have to admit that the fighting was pretty insane. I loved it.

The plot of Immortals follows a dashing young man named Theseus, played by Henry Cavill.

Yes the ladies think he is a sexy beast, and I’ll admit he was sporting a good old 300 bod that we all are used to from this genre. Theseus is chosen by Zeus (Luke Evans)

to fight for humanity against King Hyperion (Mickey Rourke) and his army. The gruesome and mean looking King Hyperion is searching for the Epirus Bow. A weapon that was lost during the war in heaven and is hidden on the Earth. He knows that to find its whereabouts would require the capturing of the virgin oracle, Phaedra, who can have visions about the future. Yes as you can imagine from Hollywood, she is definitely a pretty young vixen, and may or may not still be a virgin after the movie is over.

What really got my attention during the movie was the amazing art style and how good it looked in 3D. Honestly it was beautiful to say the least. Also, the fight scenes were so intense and gruesome that you were on the edge of your seat the whole time. I will have to admit there were parts that even were worse than Saw. And that is saying a lot. However, it added to the edginess and daring aspect that the film was trying to achieve. They wanted you to see a movie that went past the normal limits of what you are used to, and create bodies in war that were torn apart like you never have seen. I will have to admit chaps, they did a pretty dang good job at what they were trying to achieve. I loved this movie and will have to put it up there on my favorites list.

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Lord of the Epic-ness Trilogy

It was a normal day of life in October. It was starting to get cold outside and I got that  sudden anticipation of a winter wonderland coming on, where you are all bundled up next to a fire with some hot coco, a beautiful girl to cuddle, and all cozy with an epic movie accompanying you… That was my experience last week, and it really just made me want to watch an epic movie right at that moment. I pondered on what past movie just amazed me and was epic in itself… three long seconds passed and I knew instantly what I wanted to re-watch: The Lord of the Rings Trilogy, this time in Blu-Ray on the 120″ 1080p projector screen. Me being a man that gets things done, I got right on that. I grabbed a beautiful go-go dancer, set the mood, made a quick trip to Blockbuster, and started off the first night of three with none other than:

The Fellowship of the Ring. The journey that started the epic trilogy. I was especially impressed yet again by the detail of the Shire with its lush grassy hills and detail to a happy atmosphere. Peter Jackson just has a way of creating a world so immersive and detailed in his movies. A scene that I especially liked was at the end when the goblins were awakened in the cave. Made for some brutal fighting and of course the epic battle between Gandalf and that big fiery devil with horns didn’t disappoint. However, it did leave us on a cliff hanger as we all thought Gandalf really did die as he fell into the abyss toppling to his death… Poor poor Petrie…
We finished the night off right with this masterpiece and for the next night were nicely treated to yet another beaut of a movie…

None other than The Two Towers, or Triple-T, or TTT! You get the point. In Blu-Ray this one really shines. Of course I had a snuggle partner again, and we dove right into this epic tale of battle and orcs and man flesh! I loved the white wizard Saruman in this movie.  Always so evil looking and ready to stab you in the back, as he does to his good old buddy Gandalf the grey. The army of orcs he raises up in the fiery pits of his Tower Isengard really makes for some gruesome makeup design and an oddly way of making everyone look so wet, shiny and disgusting. Loved it. The battle at helms deep is one of the best battle scenes we have yet to see on the big screen, just screaming EPIC the whole time.                                       There is so much going on in this scene that you almost get an eye-gasm that has never felt so good. You have to admit that you got the chills multiple times throughout the battle. There are two prominent parts where my hairs were on end. The first was when the elves showed up to help the fight in the beginning. When all seems desolate and not promising, a horn is heard, with Legolas stating that it isn’t no Orc horn…. Blah blah. And there are the baby-faced elves marching in the front door, ready to ally up and fight with men. The second goose-bump moment occurs when Aragorn and the King of Rohan ride out into the army of orcs ready to give their lives against the innumerable slew of enemies, and right when they are about to be defeated Gandalf the Grey shows up with the rest of the abandoned Riders of Rohan and they make the army of orcs retreat back to Isengard with their bloody tail stubs between their legs. Hairs. On. End. Loved that battle of epic proportions.

The Return of the King is the final in the trilogy and just  takes everything you loved in the first two and puts them on steroids. You have never seen a battle this epic in all of your life with the armies of Mordor coming together at the feet of Gondor. Prepare yourself and wear two pairs of whitey tighties because it is crazy action-packed. Aragorn is just a bad ace. Admit it. He retakes the throne as the true King and the true bearer of the re-molded sword.

Ahhhh what an epic trilogy. I loved every second of it (even those where an occasional make-out took my attention away from Frodo and friends) The characters, the plot, the music… All come together to explode in your face and boy does it impress. You get a sad feeling of despair when you realize this is the end of the journey and are forced to watch all the credits to pay tribute to such an amazing movie. I recommend that all watch the trilogy again if you want an epic adventure that pleased me for three nights. And the great news is that the Hobbit is in the making and will be two parts!! Expect that masterpiece sometime in 2012.

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Warrior!

Alright ladies and gents, as I continue this movie-themed blog, I find it necessary to keep you all posted on the latest and greatest movies to hit the big screen that I of course have personally witnessed myself. I rarely will spend money and go to a movie unless I already know it has gotten amazing critic feedback and public reviews. I love movies, but mostly, I love GOOD movies. My source for most movies is Rotten Tomatoes, a friendly app called Flixter provides the details of this directly to my iphone. So without further ado, let me just rant a little about a movie that blew me away..

W.A.R.R.I.O.R.        

Simply put, it was AmAzInG! I rarely have felt the inner feelings that I have felt while watching this film. The first 3/4 of this movie just builds the story, going deep into the lives of a family torn apart, and how two brothers train, for different reasons, and without knowing of the others doings, to become the champions of Sparta, a mixed martial arts fight club, you could say.

The acting in the film is superb. Especially that of the father of the two brothers, who goes by Paddy. Due to the father’s addiction to alcohol he abandoned his family and left a family torn. The two brothers were led apart to live separate lives, doing all in their will to forget about their youth and upbringing. Tommy, the younger of the two, stayed with his mother to care for her. Brendan, the older, fell in love with a girl and left with her. Tommy took care of his sick mother as she died in his arms, without his father or brother even knowing of her passing. Tommy then went into the Army where he fought for his country with the little passion he had left in life. All the while his rage building up inside to unleash the Warrior he soon would become…                                                               

Brendan married his sweetheart and started a family together. They were happily in love but struggled financially to make ends meet. Brendan was then a middle-school teacher and when the bank said he would need to file bankruptcy, he decided to go back to his wild side job that always brought in a little extra inflow, as risky as it was. At first his wife was devastated, knowing that he could end up hurt again, and that the kids shouldn’t watch their dad get beat up for a living, but it was their only option….

Tommy returns from the Army and visits his father Paddy, and tells him he wants nothing to do with him, that he doesn’t love him anymore, that he only wants him as a fighting coach, as it was in high-school, and that was it. His father tries to win back his sons love for the remainder of the film, which allows Paddy some very impressive acting skills and a few tear-jerker moments where you really feel his pain as a father. Meanwhile, Brendan proves to be an animal in the ring, and as the show progresses, both brothers are training vigorously for Sparta, a tournament that crowns the toughest man in the world for a prize of $5 million.

The last 30 minutes of the movie is the tournament itself, which I have to say has to be one of the most intense movie sequences I have ever experienced. I sat up on the edge of my seat for the whole 30 minutes and actually forgot I was in a movie theater. I cheered and got goosebumps with each landed punch as we watched the 2 brothers fight their opponents and prove themselves over and over as the true underdogs, emerging out of nowhere. The true emotion comes as we see how the tournament ends up, and the torn family bonds that you didn’t think could be mended, are brought to test. I wont spoil the ending for anyone that hasn’t already seen this gem of a movie, but just know that it made my top 10 and I haven’t heard one guy (or girl even) that hasn’t already claimed it one of their instant favorites. Go see it ASAP!

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The most amazing first blog post you’ve ever witnessed!

Bienvenidos! Yes that was in spanish, my second language, but I’ll spare you all the trouble and keep this strictly English. With that said, we as Americans are a curiously proud people. Yes we live in a great place and we won’t be slow to show our pride for this blessed land we call home. Some, in their arrogance will cross that little line we call “humility” when boasting their goodness or pride for the U.S. Of A. To these people we can say, “Hey, show some humility mannnnnnnn, we aren’t the best at everything!” And that is true, we definitely can’t take the medal for being the best at all things under the sun. However, I will be a boastful menace right now and agree that although we aren’t the best at everything, we hands down are the best of at least one certain trait: we have the best movies. Period. 

You have now discovered what this blog will consist of. The gloriousness delightment that has consumed so many hours of rotting on a couch. Movies. I love movies. I have always been one to be up to date on all the greatest movies (to my knowledge)and about future movies that look very promising. There is a lot that goes into making a movie “good”. Music, plot, actors, humor, budget, etc etc. However, some movies have all of these and just flat out suck! It happens. This blog will contain posts about some of my favorite movies and what made them amazing, as well as current movies that I recently watched in theaters, and if they were worth the dollar. For now, let it be known that I will attempt to make a list of my top 10 movies. This list will never be satisfying to me just because I will keep glancing at the listed 10 and will have a dying urge to replace one with another, due to the mere fact that I have a lot more than 10 favorite movies.. True fact. So bare with me, and know that this list contains movies that if you haven’t seen one of them, stop reading this worthless post and do something with your life! Go see these movies ASAP, after kicking yourself in the hip for the lack of not already having done so. You should be ashamed…. 

My Top 10.. Ugh this pains me… Why can’t it be top 100? Wait I’m the author here, why not do what I want….? Well because it would suck to make that list that’s why retard. Who talks to themselves?! 

Alright, here is the Top 10, in no apparent order, except for number 1. That movie has engraved it’s way to the number 1 spot. 

1. Gladiator       
2. Troy 
3. Braveheart 
4. Avatar
5. The Island
6. Pearl Harbor 
7. The Green Mile
8. Inception 
9. Shawshank Redemption 
10. Warrior 

There I did it. Amazing movies.. If one on this list doesn’t ring a bell, get on that!! 

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